Many people will have made New Year resolutions at the start of the year out of habit. I wonder how many people will see them through and will still be pursuing them come the end of the month.
I learned a very valuable lesson about agreements and commitments that we make with ourselves and others in some personal development work that I did many years ago.
In 2006, I attended an excellent personal development programme in the USA. At the start of the 5 day long programme we had to commit to some ground rules and agreements. In excess of 300 participants were at the event. There was a negotiation and discussion over the agreements which lasted well an hour.
As I hadn’t attended the programme before I wasn’t anticipating this section of the programme or that the process would take so long. I couldn’t quite grasp the significance and relevance. As the week progressed I soon got clarity and came to understand the importance and value of the session
There were 15 ground rules which covered things like not sitting next to the same person for more than one session, no talking to your neighbour whilst people were presenting on stage, sitting in a different position after every break, being on time for each session and not drinking any alcohol until the end of the training.
If anybody felt they couldn’t agree to one or more of the rules, they had to stand up and discuss it with the facilitator. Once the debate and negotiation over the ground rules had concluded, we all had to sign a pledge in our workbook that we would adhere to the rules. If anyone didn’t sign the pledge they weren’t permitted to continue with the training.
As the week progressed, it was easy to see the various commitments being broken by many of the attendees. On the third day of the training, everyone who had broken one of the ground rules had to stand up. Well over half the room was on their feet (probably about 80% of the audience).
As a group, we then had to explore what we could learn from the experience. One of the big realisations was how casually we can give our word and then break it.
What also came out in the discussions was that many of the participants knew they weren’t going to stick to the agreements but still agreed to them. The reason for this is that people wanted to avoid the discomfort of questioning rules. Instead they opted to keep their disagreement to themselves and do their own thing.
Some didn’t want to be the centre of attention in front of so many people. Others wanted to avoid confrontation. For some participants they really wanted to do the training but without adhering to the ground rules or intending to follow through on their commitments. They merely played lip service to them.
When we break our commitments it has a negative impact on our psychology and how we feel about ourselves. It adversely affects our self-esteem and sense of worth. When we don’t keep our agreements with others e.g. your family, friends, colleagues or customers we lose respect, credibility and trust.
Every agreement we make is ultimately with ourselves, as even if it’s with someone else, our brain registers it as a commitment. When you don’t follow through, you begin to distrust yourself. It weakens your sense of integrity and undermines your faith in yourself to produce results.
When you have the realization about the importance of your integrity and self-esteem, you will stop making agreements to get people off your back. You will cease the habit of undermining your self-esteem for a bit of temporary approval and people pleasing.
A few tips on making and keeping agreements
- Keep a record of your commitments. Write them down or make a note on your computer/phone/tablet. Something not written down and stored in our long term memory can be lost in as little as 37 seconds! Review them regularly to ensure you’ve followed through.
- Communicate any broken agreements as soon as you can. Unforeseen events happen which sometimes mean it’s impossible to fulfil a commitment such as an accident, illness, car breakdown or traffic jam. In these exceptional circumstances, notify the other person and renegotiate the agreement. It demonstrates respect for other people’s time.
- Learn to say no more often. Before you make any new big commitments, consider if you genuinely will have the time to fulfil them and ensure you won’t have to sacrifice something else in order to do so.
- Only make commitments that you intend to keep. Before giving your agreement pause and check in with yourself to ensure that it’s something you really want to do.
- Make fewer commitments. This frees up some time and gives the chance to fulfil them. Get into the habit once you make a commitment of doing whatever it takes to meet it.
This week, take some time and consider if you need to develop greater self-discipline around keeping to the agreements that you make. Is there a need to reduce the number of commitments that you make? Do you want to be more assertive and say no to others when you know you will struggle to fulfil their requests?
This week’s quotation:
“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” Socrates
To arrange a free no obligation consultation, please contact Stephen Pauley via the contact form or by e mail: Stephen@befirstclass.co.uk