Earlier in the year, I was fortunate to spend a very pleasant sunny afternoon at the horse racing at Newmarket and lucky enough to pick out some winners!
After the racing was concluded, the pop star Jess Glynne performed to the thousands of people who remained in the early evening sunshine. Her final track got me thinking and has inspired this blog.
It was a song called “Don’t be so hard on yourself.” Some of the lyrics are “Don’t be so hard on yourself, learn to forgive, learn to let go, everyone trips, everyone falls, so don’t be so hard on yourself, no.”
Over the past 16 years in lots of my coaching sessions I’ve found that people tend to be very self-critical and much harder on themselves than they are on other people.It’s a common trait of high performers to have very high standards and to push themselves very hard.
Research suggests that the average person talks to her/himself about 60,000 times a day! Furthermore most of this self-talk is negative. There’s an awful lot of chatter that goes on sub consciously.
Apparently this kind of internal chatter is connected to lots of self judgement and criticism. Examples may include:-
- I’m too old to learn something new
- I shouldn’t have made that mistake
- I’m useless with computers
- I’m just not good enough to do this task
- I shouldn’t have made that comment
- I can’t do this and one day I will get found out
It’s important that we pay more attention to our inner chatter. What we say to ourselves is just as important as what we say to others. Our self-talk has a major influence and drives our behaviour. Therefore if we tell ourselves that we can’t do something or that we are unable to master a new skill, our behaviour will reflect this belief and fact. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and shapes the results that we experience.
Negative thoughts and self-talk have a physical impact on your body. They make us feel heavy, weighed down and as a result deplete our energy. They can also make us feel anxious and frightened and cause us to break into a sweat or become tongue tied. When our self-talk and thoughts are positive, we feel lighter, brighter and as a result more energised. We feel relaxed, calm and secure.
We can be our own worst enemies sometimes. Things that we forgive in others, we can’t always seem to forgive in ourselves as easily. Many people I have worked with over the years seem to hold themselves to a higher standard than they expect from others.
Perfectionism is a major reason people give themselves a hard time when their experiences and achievements don’t match up to their expectations. If you always look for perfection you will constantly feel disappointed by results because perfection doesn’t exist. Instead it’s best to strive for excellence as this is always achievable.
When mistakes happen or things go wrong, as they inevitably will rather than go into judgement it’s best to take a step back. You can then consider what lesson or insight you have gained from the situation. It’s always good to keep in mind that sometimes our toughest challenges and situations teach us the most and good things can happen as a result.
In summary my top tips for being less hard on yourself are:
- Accept that making mistakes is part of being human.
- Give up the need for perfection – develop more realistic expectations
- Develop more positive self-talk
- Convert your inner critic to your inner coach
- Look for the lessons in everything
- Don’t live your life in the rear view mirror – learn to let go!
This week, why not take a few moments to reflect. Consider how encouraging your self talk is. Do you need to be less hard on yourself? If so, when will you start?
This week’s quotation:
“Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you’ll start having positive results.” Willie Nelson.
To arrange a free no obligation consultation, please contact Stephen Pauley via the contact form or by e mail: Stephen@befirstclass.co.uk