“The best way to persuade people is with your ears – by listening to them.”  – Dean Rusk.

I was watching a debate programme last week and I was amazed at how the participants failed to effectively listen to each other. There were lots of people talking over each other and failing to really listen to people’s opinions.

I’m not sure how people can form a balanced view of issues and influence others if they act in this way. It also shows a complete disregard for people’s views.

Many years ago I learned about the value of listening from the book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie. It was actually the first personal development book that I read. Dale Carnegie felt that in order to be a great conversationalist you need to develop excellent listening skills and encourage others to talk about themselves.

The biggest lesson I took from the book was that listening is the best form of influence. By following this approach you help people to feel heard, valued and special.

The book quotes a journalist called Isaac F Marcosson, who interviewed hundreds of celebrities. It was his view that many people fail to make a favourable impression and diminish their influence because they don’t listen attentively.

He said “They have been so much concerned with what they are going to say next they don’t keep their ears open. Very important people have told me that they prefer good listeners to talkers, but the ability to listen seems rarer than almost any other good trait.”

The book was first published in 1953 and I wonder if the increased number of gadgets at our disposal has further reduced our ability and capacity to listen attentively. Many people these days seem to want to talk more than they listen.

As the famous quote by Zeno of Citium says “We have two ears and one mouth, so we should listen more than we say.”

We live in an information rich and time poor world and this can lead to people feeling overwhelmed and having to multi-task. This can impact on people’s ability to listen effectively. Being a great listener is an excellent way to stand out in today’s busy world. It’s as important in our personal lives as in the world of business.

Having great listening skills doesn’t come easily given the number of potential distractions we have to navigate. It requires us to calm our busy minds. We also need to have a genuine desire to want to listen to others.

We have so much outside noise to filter that it’s a real challenge to listen to other people. It necessitates us to make a commitment to limit the number of distractions. This may involve turning off televisions, phones, pc’s/tablets and managing potential interruptions. We may have to schedule quiet time in the same way we schedule meetings, chores, exercise etc.

When you actively listen you clearly demonstrate that you care and value the person you’re listening to. It also shows that you have good social skills. Being a great listener takes time, practice and commitment.

When listening to another person you need to give them your full attention and ensure that “you are in the room” rather than having your mind focused on something other than what they are discussing.

Although, it sounds obvious, it’s imperative that you stay quiet when the other person is talking as interrupting or talking over them can suggest a lack of respect. Creating an environment with some pauses and brief periods of silence puts people at ease and gives them a chance to reflect and think.

Another way to demonstrate that you’re listening effectively is through your body language and eye contact. Relaxed and open posture shows people that you’re genuinely interested in what they have to say.

Good eye contact is essential to show that you’re actively engaged in the conversation and paying attention. Nothing shows people more that you’re not really interested by breaking eye contact, looking over their shoulder and fixing your gaze elsewhere whilst they are in full flow.

Great listening also requires that you approach conversations with an open mind and an intention to really engage with what the speaker is saying. An excellent listener has natural empathy with a genuine and authentic desire to understand what the other person is communicating.

This week, why not pause to reflect and consider what one step you can take to develop your listening skills.

To arrange a free no obligation consultation, please contact Stephen Pauley via the contact form or by e mail: Stephen@befirstclass.co.uk